I had a messed up dream last night.

I was in the IRA, going out on a very important mission. Naturally, I had my crack team with me: Paschal, Mullan, Mullan’s wee brother.

For some reason, the Ra had decided that now was a good a time as any to crack down on anything not Irish Catholic, so we were being sent to smash up a stem-cell research laboratory, or some facsimile thereof.

Despite the obvious competency of the team involved, I was feeling a little less than confident. There didn’t seem to be a plan, so I arranged to make my own way to the insertion point. I drive to a nearby power station, load a bullet into the pipe of my 9 mm Beretta and head through some woods.

I get to the laboratory, which is cleverly disguised as the Y.I. swimming pool and see the rest of the team pull up in a shitty brown minibus. The Mullans and Paschal get out, armed with limp chipboard planks. I get really pissed off, tell them to put the planks down and come round the back of the bus to formulate a proper plan.

Unfortunately, some jobsworth from the laboratory comes dandering out and asks what we’re doing. Paschal goes to “talk” to him, as we continue to discuss, which means he gets into a fight and the bloke shouts “We’re being invaded by the Ra!” I pull Paschal off (Suits you!), shout “Abort!” and send the lads off in the bus. Before I go running through the woods, jobsworth gets a good look at my face, because we are the first Ra men in the history of Ireland to not wear balaclavas.

Anyway, I ditch my jacket and hat in the woods and saunter along the street as the Saracens come flying past. I walk through town, somehow knowing where I am going. I have a sense that Paschal was caught, but I know I’ll find him in some hotel. He must have been released without charge.

I find the hotel and walk nonchalantly in, through the corridors, trying to ignore curious glances. Suddenly, Paschal erupts from a room, wearing nothing put a loosely tied smoking jacket and sporting a huge cigar. He pulls me in and tells me we have to lay low for a while. I look around the room and see three naked teenage girls in his bed…

..and that’s where it ended.

I swear I haven’t made any of it up.